Should I Join the Secret Society of Sea-Monkey Scientists?

I had a bad experience with Sea Monkeys as a child.  I got the kit as a child, followed the instructions, and went straight to Disappointment Land (a real place).   Few hatched.  And the ones that did hatch did not at all look like those slap-happy friends that adorned the box smoking cigarettes and living it up in underwater castles.  They were just tiny wiggly things.  And the few that did wiggle stopped wiggling soon afterward.  Sad.  But now that I’m a fully-grown adult I decided:  what better time to make friends with the little scamps?  Fast forward two weeks and ‘The Amazing Sea-Monkeys Pirate Treasure’ kit resides on my desk.  The eggs have hatched.  And I have lots and lots of tiny wiggly things to make friends with!

Very exciting.

But I was shocked (SHOCKED!) to see that the excitement didn’t end there.  That I, thanks to having bought the Sea Monkey Kit, could be indoctrinated into the Secret Society of Sea-Monkey Scientists!  Slow down heart, you might just leap out of my chest!  Secret Society?  I love secrets and most societies!  Science?  Let me get my lab coat!  It’s right over here!  Monkeys?  They’re nature’s comedians.  Great guys, all of ‘em.  The sea?  Meh.  But me?  In a Secret Society?  For real?

Oh yes…  For real.

Here are the word-for-word details found in the kit insert (and no, I’m not making any of this up):

A College Degree and Diploma can be yours when you grow a pet Sea-Monkey family!  This is a real diploma inscribed with YOUR NAME, awarded by “The Crustacean College of Sea-Monkey Knowledge” for your achievement.  Printed in Gold and Blue, with a raised Official Seal and ribbons, you’ll be proud to own this magnificent document attesting to your new Degree:  DdD (Doctor of Denizens of the Deep).  Best of all, the Board of Directors of the College will grant you a Fellowship in the Secret Society of Sea-Monkey Scientists with full authority to discover U.F.O.’s (Unknown Forms of Sealife) anywhere in the Galaxy.

 But it doesn’t stop there.  The even better news (this news can get better?) is that access to the Secret Society, a diploma (with ribbons!) to the esteemed Crustacean College of Sea-Monkey Knowledge, and a doctorate in deep denizens can all be yours for just THIRTEEN DOLLARS!  (Plus $3.00 for shipping and handling.)  Not bad for full authority to discover U.F.O.’s.

Now, for all our foreign readers, I’m afraid this exciting offer only extends to those in the United States (USA!  USA!).  But don’t worry, you can get in our country as long as you don’t have a Muslim name.

Nice try Mr. "Stevens"

All overblown silliness aside, I have spent money on stupider things (the lottery, bar covers, the stock market, graduate school) so I am actually tempted to get this.  What’s sixteen dollars compared to an official document of such Grade-A Nonsense?  I could show this to my daughter some day!  “Hey honey, take a look at daddy’s achievements!” I would say to her enthusiastically.  To which she would read it, be wildly impressed, maybe say “Wow” or “Wowie” (probably wowie), and give me a big hug before begging to go discover U.F.O.’s with her.  I would be the best father ever.

Until she realized that all this was a giant lie. 

But that’s a problem for another day.

–Cap’n Blackjack, DdD–Certified Sea-Monkey Scientist