LeBron James and the Alkaline Shower of Death

Today’s the day, folks.  Today’s the day that LeBron James returns to Cleveland.

This is going to be fun.

Cleveland has been waiting for this day for nearly half a year after their former “King” embarrassed them on national TV during “The Decision”, the most ego-stroking program to hit the airwaves since Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  The Decision proved what we here at Celebrity Exile knew all along:

LeBron James is a GIANT DOUCHE.

Being a Celtics fan, I’ve never liked the so-called King.  Every action he made, every word he said, it came off as being all about him.  It wasn’t about his team, the Cavaliers.  Nor was it about the city he called home his entire life.  And the fans that adored him and put him on a pedestal?  Nope, not them either. 

Him.  Just him. 

It bothered me that he was so popular at the time.  Everyone seemed to love him.  He seemed genuinely affable in his Nike commercials.  He tossed the chalk up in the air majestically before each game (although didn’t Garnett do that first?).  And he won games.  Or, at least regular season games.  (Zing!)  Regardless, he was NBA royalty, and the world was very happy to anoint him as such.  But now?  Now, everyone knows what we did all along.

LeBron James only cares about himself, never cared about Cleveland or his fans, and does everything in his power to make other people the scapegoat.

For example, when things went bad in a Cavs game some time back, James bumped his coach Mike Brown.  And then last week, with the Heat failing miserably to win their predicted 70-plus games, James did the same thing to his new coach Eric Spoelstra.  Bumped right into him.  Intentionally.  Just like Indiana Jones to Belloq after getting off the Nazi sub.  It’s a classic male means of disrespect.  And it shines a light onto James’ so-called character.

This is YOUR fault, he’s saying.  NOT mine.  I’m the KING.  And I can do NO WRONG.

He’s been reported to yell at celebrity chefs for being served cold food.  He’s been said to toss his workout clothes on the court for others to pickup.  He treats people like servants.  He’s acts like he’s better than everybody.  These are the behaviors of a man who never was told “No.”  This is what happens when you get everything you want your entire life.

He’s the adult black male version of Veruca Salt.

Well, people have finally gotten the picture, especially Cleveland, where James’ arrival with the Miami Heat last night was shrouded in secrecy so that no angry jersey-burning Ohioite could stick a shank in his side as he got off the luxury bus.  Enterprising vendors are having a field day selling “Queen James” and “Le-Quitter” shirts.  And many a suggestion as to how to heckle him has been put forth, including this less-than-simple example:

Throughout the game:

Whenever LeBron is introduced, laugh as loud as you can

Introductions;

Wade – Boo

Bosh- Boo

Arroyo – Boo

Z – (We’d encourage Cheering)

LeBron – Laugh as loud as you can

 12:00-6:00 1st Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

NO-Ring-King (To the beat of “Lets-Go-Cavs”)

 6:00-0:00 1st Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

Ak-Ron Hates-You (Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap)

12:00-6:00 2nd Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

Wit-Nessed Noth-Ing (Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap)

6:00-0:00 2nd Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

Sideeeee-Kick Sideeee-Kick (No Claps, derisive singing)

Start of Third Quarter

To the tune of “My Country Tis of Thee”

Our King he betrayed Thee

Couldn’t play any ‘D’

He has no RING!

Playoffs He Barely Tried

Embarassed Akrons Pride

No Doubt he really lied

He HAS NO RING!

(Repeat as Necessary)

12:00-6:00 3rd Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

Scott-ie Pip-pen (Clap, Clap, ClapClapClap) Apologies to Pip

6:00-0:00 3rd Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

Traiiii-tor Traiiii-tor (No Claps, Derisive Singing)

12:00-6:00 4th Quarter

Whenever LeBron has the ball or is at the free throw line the chant is:

De-Lon-Te! De-Lon-Te! (To the beat of “Lets-Go-Cavs”)

6:00-0:00 4th Quarter

Throughout the last half of the Fourth Quarter:

Cleve-land Rocks!  Cleve-land Rocks!

Seems a bit complicated to me.  Let me put forth another suggestion instead:

Batteries.  D’s preferably.  There’s nothing I’d like to see more than an alkaline shower of death raining down on the once and former King.  Because he’s a douche.  And he should be held accountable.

Make me proud, Cleveland.

–LeCapitan Jack

Related Site: CAVS CHANTS